Asha’s husband left her for another woman. In her mid 30’s with a strong career path, Asha was left with her roots cut off. What followed was a year of agony, trying to put her personal life back together. She came to me in the third month after he left her. This was familiar ground for me, having navigated through this terrain a few years ago. When I asked her to take a look at everything that she deeply desired to have but was not possible to create because she was married to this particular person, she acknowledged that there was what she called a deep well of desires to create so much and that well had been deepening for a few years now. She felt stuck at times as she was supposed to prioritize marriage and the man over these things she wanted to create else she’d be labelled selfish and too career oriented for a woman. That shame and guilt alone didn’t let her be. So what happens in the end? An interesting situation is created where she is given a chance to get out, guilt-free and shame-free in order to dive into that well of ideas and potentials she had been gathering over the years. Now she had full permission to go forth and create. But when we are severely wounded and unhealed from the trauma of being rejected and abandoned feeling angry and almost vengeful, we overlook the amazing opportunity we have been served. This is Asha knocked off her course, onto another one.
So, how do you get your groove back enough to create something great next? That great could be anything you desire to have. There can be a number of reasons why we get thrown off center. Infact on almost a daily basis, there isn’t anything occurring that can keep you in a neutral space unless you specifically indulge in practices that bring you to it such as meditation, breathwork, yoga, etc. We are almost all the time either “positiving” or “negativing”. Why is that neutral space so important to come back to?
In my 14 plus years of therapy work, one of my biggest discoveries is that stuff that knocks us off course or off center is usually life altering stuff. It gives us a chance to review where we were headed in the first place. So if you have been dished that out lately by the universe, congratulations you have a chance to create a phenomenal next chapter of your life.
Hurt people, hurt people.
Before you get out there and interact with others from this space of hurt or pain or possibly even feeling low or blah, remember that you may not be a pleasant sight for others. Be very aware of what you will contribute to others when you interact with them. Stating your intent allows them to prepare themselves to brace from what could possibly be an onslaught of low vibes and negativity from you, and you think you are sharing. If this isn’t done with awareness, you can end up hurting others as you yourself are hurting. When you heal from having channeled all that pent up energy effectivity with a space to have catharsis of the heavier emotions, you are lighter and more contributive to others. Eg. If Asha met her friends regularly post her break up and whined and vented constantly with no end in sight, her friends may not want to meet her that often after a while as it would be energetically exhausting. But if she gives them a heads up that she needs to let out her stuff and talk it out with someone, they would be better prepared and have a choice in whether to meet her at that point or not. All this self awareness can result in lesser friendship casualties.
Use the people in your life sparingly and towards achieving something great for both of you. With respect for your and their time, respect for your and their energy and for the connection you both share. Be open to their interesting new perspectives as they know you well.
Who you surround yourself with
Also a prudent thing at this time would be to do a check on who you have surrounded yourself with. It’s very important to remember that you aren;t the only one knocked off center. If you take a poll amongst people known to you, you will find that 99% of them are feeling the same way. Knocked off course. So you aren’t exactly speaking to others who have it all together and if they are appearing that they do, maybe they need to show that to the world. Hang around those who are open, raw, vulnerable, honest and straightforward with you. Simply because you need it. And offer them the same space. If you find that people are being less than honest, caring and supportive, maybe it is time to review the people you surround yourself with. Many will seem like they have your best interests at heart, but it is often control in disguise. They advise you a lot of things, but they are all eventually coming from their own experiences and how they would react had they been in your situation. The most caring and loving ones will ask you to make your own choices and be there for you no matter what. Who you hang out with, will determine your healing process and the future of what you would like to create next, with the same people as your support system.
Go back to the drawing board
Taking stock. What about you still works and what does not work. There maybe certain qualities that you imbibed earlier that no longer serve you. Will these create what you are looking to create next in your life? Take yourself to the drawing board. Rediscover within what qualities you need. Start to cultivate these. Make it a regular practise if you have to. Mould yourself the way you desire to have yourself. If you desire to have a thriving business as the next chapter of your life, then learn everything you need to, to be a phenomenal business person. Be conscious of how you are internally reacting to your external world. Get your internal dialogue right. Recreate yourself. Every time a huge knock off center is an opportunity to download a new updated version of yourself. Qualities that can help create the next chapter. If down time is necessary for a while, then do that. Take whatever timeout you need to set yourself straight and ready for the next phase.
You have this deep well of unrealized potentials. What are they exactly? Have you spilled these out on paper? Do a week of writing a page a day on your vision. Let it come out on paper exactly how it runs in your head. Its ok if the vision changes a bit and looks different by the 7thday. Then leave it aside. Go research and talk to trusted people who can support your vision and give you their experiences. Take what works for you from that. Having and holding a clear vision of your next chapter isn’t as difficult as you think it is. You don’t have to acquire this from anywhere outside of you. The potentials lie within. It’s about nurturing yourself in a way that you would nurture a child. Create a safe space to express yourself fully and in an uninterrupted way. Let it all tumble out. After around 10 days of having started to write, and a 3 day break in between take the different sheets out. Highlight the thoughts that seem to repeat the most. Then highlight the ones that are expansive and get your juices flowing. Write the final vision on a neat sheet of paper in your best handwriting. And allow this to simmer in your space. Ask the universe to contribute to you making this vision real. Be open to connecting to people and things that seem to resonate with the energy that is closest to your vision.
Now that you have a new you, a new vision, the last part before actualizing the new chapter is holding your alignment to this new chapter. Vibing in a way that actually creates it. It is a combination of all three elements and meeting the right people and following up on the connections that start to create things. You may find that opportunities start to flow your way. Saying no to some that aren’t exactly what you desire is you saying yes to another opportunity that is actually aligned to what you want. So don’t hesitate to say no. This is a critical point as many people I know tend to slip out of this phase and need to go back to the drawing board all over again. If that happens, it doesn’t matter. It’s like building a muscle. You will have to keep at it as a discipline until it becomes second nature.
Creating an awesome new chapter is 90% internal work and a little bit of action on the outside. It is the actual onset of the new chapter where it will reverse. 90% action and 10% you being the vibe for it. So as you go ahead and create your life with this in mind, that 10% will require tweaking once in a while with regular updates and upgrades, sorting and sifting through who you hang out with, maybe some new drawing board moments and realignment too. But the bulk of the work has already been done so you are on a smooth ride now. Creating your vision can be a deeply fulfilling experience. It is your soul’s chance to express itself and you will likely find yourself deeply thank you to those setbacks or knocks off course that led you to this. You will move way beyond forgiveness. Knowing fully well that you created that knock-off-course as well. But shssssssshh…don’t tell others this.
Author: Aditi Nirvaan
Aditi Nirvaan is a Therapist, Coach, Facilitator, Energy Intuitive and Artist. She has studied Positive Psychology, Mind-Body-Eating Psychology, Feminine Power Transformative Facilitation, Meaning and Valued Living, Mindfulness and Meditation, and Holistic Nutrition. Practicing and teaching various therapy and healing modalities since 2005, Aditi is known for her clarity, compassion, deeply transformative work, generosity and is a pillar of strength for her clients and participants. She conducts programs online and in live workshops as well as private sessions with her clients from all over the world. From 1998 to 2006, she’s also worked in the corporate world, with companies like Tata-AIG, Star TV, The Oberoi Hotels, Times of India and KLM Royal Dutch Airlines in Marketing.
She is an Artist, Writer, Potter and Paragliding Pilot. She specialises in,
- Mid life Awakening/Crisis
- Unburdening ourselves to move through life with a sense of lightness in mind, body and soul
- Making the unconscious conscious with shadow work
- Authentic relationship with ourselves and others
- Mindful living
- Creating your life from Meaning and Purpose
- Body Image and Self Love
- Dealing with Depression and Addiction
- Relationship Recovery