WHY DO MARRIED COUPLES ABSTAIN FROM SEX?

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WHY DO MARRIED COUPLES ABSTAIN FROM SEX
  • Are you married?
  • Yes.
  • Do you have children?
  • Yes.
  • Do you still have sex with your spouse?

……

This is the tragedy of Indian couples who find it comfortable becoming celibates in a married relationship.

Sexuality is an inherent part of human beings and cannot be denied. It is, in short, great. But in India, one finds many cases where couples do not partake in sex into their years of marriage and after they have had children.

What is the reason behind such abstinence from sex?

Well that is pretty much answered by the kind of society we live in. Yes. You heard me right. It is not really the people who abstain from sex with their spouses but they are really made to do so, and society is the culprit. The kind of associations that the society has with sex is disturbing.

  1. Taboo

To tell you a story, I was young and naïve and had a pretty open family. Having received proper sex education from my parents, I used to talk about sex freely with people around me and considered it emotionally, physically and spiritually valuable for human life. However, as I grew up I realized that it was a sin to talk about sex and especially with older people.  Now, people outside my family never accepted the idea of talking about sex and especially with the younger lot. I am guessing it was even worse in generations prior to mine where the word would mean being grounded for the rest of your life. So, you get the idea. However good sex might be for humans and however much it is enjoyed, it is still considered a taboo in India.

This contributes to the second absolutely not-so-incredible association that Indians have with sex.

  1. Family and Upbringing

If you are as lucky as I am, you can ramble about sex and sexuality for hours long, but if you are not lucky enough, you might as well not speak a word that remotely relates to sex or you might be in trouble. All thanks to your near and dear Indian family who clearly want their children to remain unaware of the thing called sex and then expect newborns out of them just after marriage. Great going families. No offence, but that’s the truth.

Being brought up in such a family, one inherits the same attitude towards sex. The more you have such association with sex, the more dissociation from the actual act.

  1. Marriages Arranged

Indians are pretty shy in conveying information about sex to their children, all thanks to the taboo. Not just that, India is still in that age where children are married off to strangers and now are expected to get in bed and make babies by the end of a year. I cannot imagine the trauma that these newlyweds receive and if that was not enough the relatives start eyeing them if they do not have babies at the end of their first year into marriage. This pressure of being intimate with apparently some stranger and then creating new life even when you don’t know how sex would feel like is not very helpful in building a healthy sex life. To tell you the truth, sex then becomes an obligation. Yes. It becomes an ordeal to partake in sex.

  1. The Mighty Purpose

Sex is considered to be the baby-making act and that is it. Some Indians married couples find it extremely low for their standards to consider sex as an act of giving and receiving pleasure. Sex, to them is just for making babies. Though things are changing in this case, most of India is yet to be affected by the air of change.

  1. Sexuality and Women

Now, this is an interesting thing.

You are a man? You have had sex? You like having sex? Oh! Great!

You are a woman? You have had … umm we can’t ask you that question.

Indian women are idealized as creatures that have no sexual desires whatsoever and not only that, Indian women do not even have the right to have any sexual desire. She is supposed to just take in what is to be taken in and then deliver babies.

Well, you know what? We have desires as well and they are often sexual as well.

This kind of attitude often makes its way to the women who are married and have children. Having sexual desire, that too after having children and on top of it at the age of 50, thus becomes unimaginable. So, goodbye to sex!

  1. Children

Well, here comes one of the dreadful reasons of not having sex after marriage and after having children. Parents want their children to follow their footsteps and do not want them to know that there exists a thing called sex. The fear of their children knowing about sex leads to sexual abstinence, like the previous reasons were not good enough.

  1. Fast Life

Now, this is an interesting factor that influences sex rates. People today have the drive of earning as much money as possible, of having smart gadgets, connecting to people through social media, etc. Among all these, people have forgotten to value intimacy between partners. Often both the parties come home, tired, and go off to sleep without even a passionate kiss. People, are often so addicted to phones and laptops that they forget they have any sexual desire at all. Today’s fast paced life and the single handed tyranny of gadgets and virtual reality, have affected the libido of thousands and will keep affecting more.

  1. Attribution of Negative Emotions with Sex

Your husband wants to have sex with you every day?

He must be a pervert? No?

Your wife wants to bed you?

She is definitely characterless and must be sleeping around with others.

Well, if sex is associated with such negative connotations, it is not just hard but downright impossible to have sex with a right mind, married or not.

People must understand that sex is a natural drive in animals and some have it more and some have it less. That doesn’t make either of these people cringe-worthy. So attributing sex with such negativity does no good.

To resolve the problem, one must start getting to the root of the problem and stop identifying sex as some vile and heinous act and spreading awareness on how inherent and important a part of human lives it is. The following would lead to a healthy and happy sex life for you and for the generations to come.

  1. Talk about Sex

Talking about sex to your partner and your children and people in general is extremely crucial. The more you talk the more words you spread.

  1. Proper Sex Education

Sex education not only informs people of sex in the right manner but also caters to a healthy sex life. It also lowers the rates of perversion and rape.

  1. Stop Sex-Shaming

We all have sexual drives and there is no shame in it. Just indulging into your sexuality will let you know yourself and your partner better and connect to self each other on different levels. Having sexuality is a beauty and not a taboo

Only with proper exposure and educating people can this stigma be eradicated from the society.

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ATREYEE MUKHERJEE
Atreyee Mukherjee is a Research Scholar at the Indian Institute of Technology Kanpur, Uthar Pradesh in the Department of Humanities and Social Sciences. Involved into academics, as she is, her field of research is Language and Linguistics. Her education involves English, Linguistics, Media and P.R., Language Teaching and Philosophy.She is passionate about Philosophy and Art.

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